Gratitude in the Grief

This Friday, April 29, is exactly six months since the day my dad died.  Where has the time gone?  As I reflect on the last six months, there are a lot of thoughts that come to mind.  The many thoughts seem impossible to put into words in any coherent way, but this post is an attempt.  

The death of a parent, and any difficult things we may experience throughout life can make it seem like the world around us is crumbling.  While our world completely changes, the rest of the world moves on, unaffected by the event.  Over the past six months, I think the biggest reminder I have been given is that through the crosses we must carry and the trials we must endure, we are not strong enough.  But God is.  The losses that are inevitable are an opportunity to grow closer to the Lord and lean on Him, who is unchanging in the midst of a world that is constantly changing.  I have also learned that God places us exactly where we are meant to be.

“You’re in your twenties and you still live at home?”  The amount of times I had heard this, or a similar variation, from different people over the past several years is too many to count.  While these comments bothered me and were hurtful at times, I trusted that I was right where I needed to be.  I knew my mom needed help with my dad.  I also knew that it meant a lot to my dad, to have my siblings or I there every day.  While most people had no idea what the situation was with my dad and many didn’t seem to understand the scope of it, I learned that what God knows is more important than what other people think or say.  More than anything, it helped me grow as a person.  Each day strengthened my faith, deepened my trust, helped me grow in patience, and increased my ability to see the dignity and value of life, no matter the circumstance.  And now more than ever, there is no doubt in my mind that God had me where I needed to be.  I got to sit in the living room watching a Thursday night Packer game with my dad in what would, unknowingly, be his last night on this earth.  All I can say is, thank you Lord.  If I had not lived at home, this wouldn’t have happened and neither would a lot of other small, ordinary moments that I am now really grateful for.  Being at home allowed me to spend so much extra time with my dad that I would not have experienced otherwise.  Moments like coming home from work everyday to respond to the same simple questions, like, “how was work?”, “what are we eating for dinner” to watching Family Feud or the Andy Griffith Show for the millionth time.

Grief is a journey.  It is completely possible to be at peace, yet to experience feelings of loss at the smallest and most random things.  Hearing a song, looking at pictures, seeing a TV show, walking to certain parts of the house, eating certain foods, among many other random things, I have felt a great sadness and have been brought to tears.  But it is in the grief that I have experienced deep gratitude.  I have found myself thanking God for my dad and the gift of his life, for the memories, for allowing my family to be strengthened, and for all of the blessings that have flowed from that, even when I failed to recognize them.

If you’re going through something that’s hard in your life, it’s okay to accept the fact that you are struggling and that it is difficult.  You cannot handle it on your own.  Ask God to carry you.  When all you see is suffering and sorrow, look a little deeper to find the blessings.  They are there.  Find gratitude and choose joy always.  And allow yourself to be drawn closer to God.  He knows what He is doing and will never abandon you.

“O my Lord, inflame my heart with love for You, that my spirit may not grow weary amidst the storms, the sufferings and the trials. You see how weak I am. Love can do all.- St. Faustina.